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| Blogs > bustinout20202 > My Second Act |
D Day: My Story Begins
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D Day: My Story Begins *Posting it below beat the word stealing gremlins ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~ |
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It began simply enough. After 30+ years of accumulation it was time to clean up. Boxes and bins that had been forgotten in our shed were beginning to see the light of day. We were making headway, so when he asked me to go through one more box while he napped that afternoon, I grabbed it and began the sorting between keep and discard. Most of it was art supplies given to me by others that I knew I would never use and tossed them out. They were in a box within a box and as I removed the now empty one to recycle, I didn’t recognize what was under it. Supplies, yes. But of a totally different kind! Dildoes and strap-ons, like dozens of them greeted me, their hard siicone shafts resembled a surrealist’s still life! As I looked, shock began its climb up my spine; it was then that I found a receipt for the Marriott not even a mile from us. I stood stunned for a moment, silently studying how I would approach my husband when he woke from his nap. Would I yell? Would I cry, and stammer “HHHHow could you?’ Instead, as he woke from his sleep I asked him if he was awake and then said, “Good. We need to talk.” I told him: a. what just happened b. what I had stumbled across, and c. what the FUCK?!! He was up and awake now. Eyes wide, he glared at me and with full force he said, “Look! You haven’t been available for years…years! You’ve shut me out. You have all your friends to hang out with and you’re satisfied with that. I just figured that’s what you wanted, but I wanted more, so I went looking for it.” As I heard his words, I didn’t yell. I listened. I remained quiet as the knife went into my heart. For some insane reason, as his words poured out, and I felt the silent stabs wounding me over and over, I simply nodded my head and said, “I understand”. (Shit!...34 years!!!) “And, did you find it?” (34 Fucking years!!!) “Yeah, I did”. “How many?” “How many what?” he snapped. [Seriously, like pulling teeth to get answers!] “How many women? How many times?” I asked quietly. I mean, did I really want to know?? More stabbing, more wounds. “5 or 6. I met 5 or 6. Hooked up with 3.” I swallowed hard, taking this all in. He’s FUCKED 3 women??? Oh! My! God! He went on to say that he thought at one time of leaving me, of getting a divorce, but then I got sick, and he thought he couldn’t divorce me, I’d have no insurance. Wow! He’d stay out of pity for me? FUUUCK! I was devastated! Crushed as I looked at the reality smacking me hard in the face: a divorce! Never did I ever think that would happen to us! I mean, I’d thought about the possibility before, during the hardest times, but never the probability of it! He said that maybe we’d just live our separate lives: I’d go live with my sister in Arizona or move back to Portland to stay at my best friend’s house and he’d, well, he’d go on fucking the world, I guess. Neither of those options sounded good to me…crawling back to family or friends with their pitying looks and protective shoulders to cry on? Trying to start over after all these years??! No…oh Hell no!! I decided right then and there that I was not going to be a victim in all this. I also didn’t want to hear anyone disparage him. In spite of these revelations, I realized I still loved him. My friends loved him; I didn’t want to have my friends and family pick sides. I knew I had a hand in this. I owned up to my culpability in the choices that were made. He was right, I had neglected him and his needs. I’m sure many, many folks have gone through or are going through their dry seasons of no sex. Ours was a drought that lasted longer than the one in California! For one reason or another, I had dried up to sex. Poof! Gone! Dust in the wind, baby. I didn’t want it, didn’t feel it, just couldn’t do it. I realized I had slowly become “The Ice Queen”. My southern regions were like the frozen tundra. At that point, I could’ve kicked myself, but I wouldn’t have felt it I was so numb. I could only work on breathing. In. Out In. Out. I left the house. I drove to the pier and just started walking. I was supposed to have dinner with a friend. One of those friends who enjoyed my husband. I used to watch their harmless flirting with one another and was amuse…WAIT?! Shit! How harmless was it?! My mind raced, imagining all kinds of scenarios, recalling words and phrases; how comfortable they were with each other, liking much of the same things that I would [sorry to say] only tolerate. OMG! What if??? Nah! Couldn’t be, I thought. I quickly put it out of my mind and tried to concentrate on how I would get through the dinner with her. I kept walking; the salt air did me good. Strange, but I didn’t cry like I’d imagined I would. My eyes teared a little. My heart ached, but no tears. Just numb. So incredibly, stupidly numb. She caught me once during dinner, staring out into the night sky. She asked me what was wrong. I quickly became present again, and joined in our conversation. Other than that moment of willing myself back into the conversation, I cannot recall one thing about that dinner, not one. I couldn’t bring myself to go into our bedroom, so I slept on the couch that night. I stared at the ceiling most of the night…thinking. And thinking. What next? What the fuck do I do next?? ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~
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WOW. I suppose a day like that might be ahead for me too, though on the opposite end of course. But I maintain she DOES know, and is content so long as I don't rub her nose in it. WONDERFUL that you acknowledge your part in it all!! What to Expect When you Sleep with Me Flashback Friday Volume 8 Bits and Pieces Showing My Pink, on HNW [post 3312759] My Private Blog - Tell Me ALL Your Secrets
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Damn that is a helluva “starter” story. Wishing you all the best in finding the joy you are looking for.
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10/19/2020 12:13 pm |
What do you want to do? You say you love him and if this revelation hadn't arose, you would be continuing your life together. Get professional help. Talk to him, too many years to just shut it down without trying to repair. You're on a sex site so can you be totally without desire. Try to find ways to peak your interest and include him on the adventure. What can it hurt? Maybe he was wrong to cheat but be realistic, men seldom lose interest and as a partner you have to find ways to keep up. Sounds to me like you have a really good man there
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A gripping, well-written narration of a difficult story. You have done an excellent job of illuminating the complex (and at times contradictory) dimensions of a long-term relationship. Rather than making it exclusively about *the sex*, you have articulated the dynamics of a marriage and the myriad factors that converged in your emotional response. Bravo! We look forward to the next chapter.
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Wow, that's a tough one thanks for sharing what to do next hmm be safe Fleetwood Mac - "Little Lies" If I could turn the page In time then I'd rearrange Just a day or two Close my, close my, close my eyes But I couldn't find a way So I'll settle for one day To believe in you Tell me, tell me , tell me lies To leave private messages, please use my confidential mailbox at my blog: Good luck!!! 
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I was so excited to read more from you after I followed your blog last week. This made me want it even more. I can't wait to see what comes next.
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So, your comment brought up my fave Carly Simon song sung by Michael McDonald "You belong to me" and, I liked "We have no secrets", another first for me thanks for sharing To leave private messages, please use my confidential mailbox at my blog: Good luck!!!
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"Life is both fucked and fuckable". Which would you prefer???
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I will invoke the Missouri motto: "Show me..." 
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I will invoke the Missouri motto: "Show me..."  ~~~" Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." --Mary Oliver~~~
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