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Is it Love, or is it Falling?
Is it Love, or is it Falling? Hippiechick had a post recently asking people how often they had been in love. There were a bunch of answers, (it's called [] if you want to go an have a look. ) Quite a few of the answers said they thought it depended on the different interpretations of the word people use. I have mentioned this before, but this set me thinking once again, and so rather than take up about ten paragraphs on the chick's blog, I thought I would follow bigglala's advice and get writing here. It's been long enough after all. So for what it is worth this is how I feel about it. (There are a bunch of old Greek definitions of the various types of love, which you can go and look up if you like, and the Stanford Dictionary of Philosophy also has some good modern definitions, but I am writing what follows straight out of my own thoughts in the long tradition of my previous posts.) I have always tried to reserve the term "I love you" for someone I felt permanently committed to. (Because I am human, get carried away, and make mistakes, I admit it has probably slipped out a couple of times when with hindsight I didn't really mean it, but never with the intent to mislead.) It is definitely true to say that of the few women I have loved, there is not one for whom I would not cross the world if they really needed me, despite the fact that our relationship has ended. I think that to some extent although it may originate with feelings, in the end this kind of love is not so much a feeling but a choice. Because there are always good times and bad times, and sometimes, maybe when they have acted badly, or hurt you, or when you yourself are somehow out of kilter, you do not feel very fond of someone you love. But, if you have any sense, you remember that you love that person, and you decide to act accordingly. (As an aside, this is something people in relationships often forget. I find myself wanting to say to them, "Why are you bickering like that? You are making each other miserable on purpose, and yet you claim to love each other." But that maybe is a separate post.) Then, to me, there is the feeling of being in love, which I think is quite different. To me, this is the glorious, stomach churning, desperate longing feeling which makes your heart dance and ache at the same time. It's the feeling you get which can make you stumble over your words when you try to talk to someone new; it's the strange way you notice little imperfections about them which are somehow transformed into their most engaging assets. It often goes hand in hand with lust, although it is not the same thing, and some scientist among you will tell me it is all down to chemicals. Which I agree, mostly it is, although it is something indefinable within you which starts your body off on circulating those chemicals in the first place. So if hippiechick were to ask me, how often have you been in love, my answer would have to be along the lines of: oh good heavens, loads of times. Sometimes "absolutely head over heels this is the one for me" in love, sometimes "Oh help I'm going to get myself into trouble" in love, and sometimes "just a bit of a crush on someone I am never likely to try to take it any further with." I mean I am a bit in love with Kate Silverton for goodness sake! But I know most people mean something a bit more serious than that. So I think I would say that to me, falling in love is the feeling, love itself is what you do about it. A very common thing is to fall in love with someone, find that you actually love them, decide to go on loving them, but find it harder as the feeling of being in love recedes over time. Sometimes it comes back. Sometimes it doesn't. Any relationship can be based on a mixture of these two loves in varying quantities and qualities. And most of us hope it will also include some real skin-tingling<b> lust </font></b>as well. When both partners find these three feelings coincide you have a recipe for something wonderful. Life enhancing and endlessly uplifting if it lasts, but that will break you into jagged pieces if it fails. Worst of all, when one side feels these things and chooses to invest in a life of loving, and the other side does not. Any of these types of love on its own can also create a serious relationship, but one which is likely to have some problems. I am an expert on those! But if you are faced with someone who says they are falling in love with you, or that they love you, or if you are asking yourself, or someone else, whether they love another person, or how many times they have been in love, then you have to know what each of you means by those words before you can begin to examine their answer any further. |
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Oh, and Hippiechick's post is Too Many Choices if you want to have a look at it - I was going to link it between the brackets at the top of my post, but I forgot.
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>> A very common thing is to fall in love with someone, find that you actually love them, decide to go on loving them, but find it harder as the feeling of being in love recedes over time. Sometimes it comes back. Sometimes it doesn't. Yes. That 'head over heels' feeling - what you called stomach churning and desperate longing - I think it is almost impossible for it to last past the first year or two. Some people refer to it as NRE, 'new relationship energy'. For some people, when that NRE dissipates, they're off in search of finding that feeling with someone else. I think it would be better if we could all accept that relationships evolve.
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Im not experienced in relationships, ive had just two of significance in my years. I certainly was in love with my husband when we married, we were together for 42 yr before he passed, and i loved him to his dying day, yet the IN love phase had faded. There is another that i was in love with and that was an 8 yr relationship and the in love phase is still present, even tho we as a duo are no longer. I have a friend whose husband stepped out on her for a brief fling, she felt he no longer loved her. I was also close to him and knew that he did, but the in love part was lacking. To me there is a difference , but she didnt /couldnt understand. That was not her way of thinking. There are many different levels and capacities we humans have to love. There are also different love languages. These, in addition to the Mars/Venus way of seeing and thinking can make things quite confusing and infuriating. I think its worth it tho, to try and find a way to sort it all out~
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>> A very common thing is to fall in love with someone, find that you actually love them, decide to go on loving them, but find it harder as the feeling of being in love recedes over time. Sometimes it comes back. Sometimes it doesn't. Yes. That 'head over heels' feeling - what you called stomach churning and desperate longing - I think it is almost impossible for it to last past the first year or two. Some people refer to it as NRE, 'new relationship energy'. For some people, when that NRE dissipates, they're off in search of finding that feeling with someone else. I think it would be better if we could all accept that relationships evolve. Maybe in away that was the root of what I was complaining about in my previous post. I believe in working on evolving long term relationships, so I don't want to be constantly falling in love with someone new every time the energy wears off, but I used to find lots of new blogs to fall in love with here on the site, and that feels good.
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Im not experienced in relationships, ive had just two of significance in my years. I certainly was in love with my husband when we married, we were together for 42 yr before he passed, and i loved him to his dying day, yet the IN love phase had faded. There is another that i was in love with and that was an 8 yr relationship and the in love phase is still present, even tho we as a duo are no longer. I have a friend whose husband stepped out on her for a brief fling, she felt he no longer loved her. I was also close to him and knew that he did, but the in love part was lacking. To me there is a difference , but she didnt /couldnt understand. That was not her way of thinking. There are many different levels and capacities we humans have to love. There are also different love languages. These, in addition to the Mars/Venus way of seeing and thinking can make things quite confusing and infuriating. I think its worth it tho, to try and find a way to sort it all out~ Mars and Venus certainly can create confusion, hell, even Venus/Venus or Mars/Mars! But yes, it is worth trying to sort through it all, and sad that your friend couldn't find a way to get past what her husband did. Of course she was hurt, and sometimes it is easier to channel that hurt into survival, rather than deal with the pain of forgiveness and rebuilding. New relationship energy is easier and more fun, but then of course the cycle repeats itself.
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You make some good points. Sometimes I'm guilty of assuming everyone feels the same way I do. Clarification of terms is necessary in this case. Ah, Dreamer, I knew it wouldn't take much to get your wheels turning.
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You make some good points. Sometimes I'm guilty of assuming everyone feels the same way I do. Clarification of terms is necessary in this case. Ah, Dreamer, I knew it wouldn't take much to get your wheels turning.
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You would really travel for someone that you are no longer with because you once loved them? That is an amazing statement right there.
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You would really travel for someone that you are no longer with because you once loved them? That is an amazing statement right there.
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