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Ramblings of the depraved.....
Welcome to my blog!
Keywords | Title View | Refer to a Friend |
Oh Friday....
Posted:Jul 2, 2021 3:42 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2021 10:59 pm

Here at last.

It's felt like a long fucking week.

A Michigan State Trooper came to the store yesterday to see me about a request. He had merely asked for me by name, so the customer service girl had no idea what he was there for...

Remembering the last time an officer came looking for me, she went into full alert.

Before I knew what was happening, I was being escorted to the front of the store and employees were milling about everywhere.

The trooper was looking puzzled as we all headed up to him.

When he'd introduced himself and stated why he was there a collective sigh of relief went out and I'm certain you could see the relief wash over my face.

I laughed a little and told him the last time a member of the police department had come to see me, two weeks ago, it was to inform me that a member of my family had died and we were all thinking, 'Oh My God! Here we go again!'

I feel like that moment, two weeks ago, has kind of forever traumatized me.
Feeling the block....
Posted:Jul 1, 2021 4:32 pm
Last Updated:Jul 4, 2021 5:26 pm

Writer's block, that is.

I got a call from the funeral home today letting me know that my father's death certificates were in and asking that I stop by to view the proof of his headstone and give my approval.

I was met at the door by a woman who was filling in for the funeral director I had been working with.

She was excitedly telling me that she was counting down the days now because on the 1st of August she would finish her degree and finally be a fully licensed funeral director.

Nothing screams 'funeral director' like a smiling, giddy, mustached woman with thick glasses.

It's safe to say, I wasn't exactly sharing her excitement as I was looking at the autocad image of my father's headstone.

I tried to be nice, but I just couldn't muster it.

"yah, that's fantastic. The angel is facing the wrong direction and the date of my father's death is incorrect. "

"That's why we have the family come in and proof it."

Still happy, still smiling.... Still kind of pissing me off.

You think maybe you could hold back that glee a little while we finalize the details of my DEAD FATHER'S HEADSTONE!

Good God....

I hate to see what she's like when she's fully licensed and in action!

Cartwheels and dance moves?

I can only hope....
It may take a day or two....
Posted:Jul 1, 2021 3:47 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2021 8:24 pm

But I always manage to get that train wreck I call life back on the rails.

Just in time too!

It's been a morning full of calamities for me today.....

Made myself a peanut butter and jelly for breakfast today and discovered I bought the wrong damn jam.

I'd bought it before my dad died and.... If you read my blog you know about the half eaten PB&J that was on the counter....

So it's taken me a minute to want to eat one again.

But, there I was. Peanut butter on one slice of bread, popping the seal to the jar of strawberry jam and plunging the knife in to slather the other slice of bread.....

There's a lot of seeds in here.

That's funny.

When did jam get dry and crumbly?

It's kind of disappearing into the bread.

Sitting the knife down, I picked up the jar of strawberry jam and looked it over carefully.

Sugar Free

Eh.... Crap.

Now, I know it's not going to KILL me to eat something that is probably a hair healthier for me, especially after the whole bathing suit debacle, but the disappointment is real when you weren't anticipating the healthy version.

Especially when the healthy version is seedy, crumbly, and has an amazing disappearing act!

Happy Thursday!
How many days in a row am I allowed to cry before it's considered severe depression?
Posted:Jun 29, 2021 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2021 2:20 am

Asking for a friend.....

I have had a lot of things that have wreaked havoc on my emotions the past few weeks.

Death, boot camp, burned bridges, letters from Boot Camp Boy....

Who could have known it would be a bathing suit that would deliver that final, crushing blow, causing my will live wither up and die.

Who designs these things???

I had shield my eyes from the sheer horror of it all!

Boobs spilling out everywhere.....

Fat rolls for miles....

The tears were rolling as I peeled that fucking thing back off my body and threw it into the far corner of my bedroom. If I weren't worried that I would burn the building down, I would have lit it on fire and watched it burn to an ash.

I feel disgusting and broken tonight.

And a little like a pyromaniac.
The Return of Douche Canoe
Posted:Jun 27, 2021 7:52 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2021 8:43 pm

Sometimes, they just don't get the hint.

I've blogged about this guy before, more than once. Every couple of months he reappears like I may have somehow magically changed my mind.

I have not.

You may recall the last time he tried communicating with me was in April. He'd asked me to refresh his memory he couldn't remember why I was mad at him.

Uh.... Yah.

He was the one who was mad at me for making fun of his dick pic toilet selfie.....

So, I reminded him. I then told him I wasn't interested in going down that road again.

And, that was it.

I love it when these guys decide to let a couple of months go by then try to start up a conversation where you left off.... Like it just fucking happened.

Why are you here then?

6/26/2021 9:07 am
I'm one of the bloggers on here.... I've made a few friends, people that do enjoy my sense of humor, and I keep in touch with them here. Just because you are here to find hookups and one night stands it doesn't mean everyone else has that same intent.

6/26/2021 9:21 am
You jump to conclusions m'lady

6/26/2021 9:27 am
I'm looking for a someone who enjoys sex as much as I do. Thought would be an ideal place

6/26/2021 9:29 am
Oh well, we'll never meet so happy blogging - whatever the fuck that is
6/26/2021 9:31 am

Be still my beating heart! Boy, this guy really knows how to win a girl over! It's about time he get's the !

The thing is, I really like sex, and, I know what I'm doing.... I just can't, for the life of me, find what I'm looking for.

At least not where I live.

Where I live, I find and million and one of *this* guy....
Crazy like a fox!
Posted:Jun 26, 2021 3:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2021 12:45 am
Or.... Should I say, like a cat with a flaming hot Cheeto?

The Tilly Cat has been acting a lil strangely for the past couple of hours.

At first I thought it was because the Spawn is gone and it is just her and I.

Separation anxiety??

First Boot Camp Boy and then the Spawn?

Then I thought it was because I've been camped out on my couch all day, day drinking and binge watching horror movies.....

That can't be it, though. I do that quite often.

It wasn't until I saw her sneak into the Spawn's bedroom when I realized, she's up to no good!

I opened the bedroom door much earlier this morning when I had the high aspirations to start cleaning that mosh pit but quickly gave up.

There's just too damn much.... And I never closed said door.

So, there I sat, stealthily watching to see what she was doing. Right at about the moment I was ready to give up she reappeared in the hallway, exiting the bedroom, something orange sticking out of her mouth.

"Whatcha got there, Tillbot."

Suddenly seeing me notice her, she took off down the hall, between my legs, and hid under my living room chair.

"Oh, we're playing this game are we! I've had three , I'm a master at this!"

Finally realizing I wasn't going to give up when I slid the chair out from where it was sitting, she bolted back down the hall and into my bedroom, hiding behind the blinds on the windowsill.

On the floor was a flaming hot cheeto.

She had somehow managed to discover some discarded cheeto's and had been spending the day torturing herself with her new found snack.


Happy Saturday!
Letters to Boot Camp Boy
Posted:Jun 26, 2021 12:08 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 11:12 am

Not going lie.... I miss Boot Camp Boy more than anything I've ever missed in my whole entire life. I got his official Marine Corp address last week and I've ALREADY sent him five letters.


Why, YES! I am *in fact* THAT mom.

Embarrassingly positive, stupidly funny, will send you a million letters even though you haven't sent a single one.

You get letters like this...

Hi [Boot Camp Boy]!

I saw a little red truck at the red light today and I immediately thought of you. I do miss you so much, but it'll be ok. The guy in the red truck was picking his nose like he was digging for gold and he caught me staring at him. I pointed at my nose and he looked away, wrinkling his nose at .

Super funny!

I dropped the Wonder Twins off with [other] mom last night.... It's going be weird not having any at for the next week. I hope Tilly is for the challenge as she will be my foster until I pick [your sister] back next week.

Poor Tilly!

I was looking at the Matrix yesterday while Chris was in my office and I saw that it was a haircut day.... He filled in the wonderful experiences that go along with haircut day. Burning hot clippers, 40 second hair cut, a quarter or a half.... I've been wracking my brain trying figure out what you look like with no hair but I just can't do it! Only 10 short weeks go until I get see you again with that fantastic hair cut!! I got your form letter from the Drill Instructor yesterday and I was happy to see your graduation is now listed as September 10th instead of September th. While I know it will only be a brief visit, I am SO looking forward your graduation and being able see you once again.

I already have my towel to wave for your company during that part of the graduation. I'm going to support you in any way that I can!!

You just remember this when I'm old and feeble...... I'd better be in the Taj Mahal of nursing homes! Your sister is going to try to put me in a cardboard box on the corner if you let her.

Don't let her!

Taj Mahal!!

I know I already said this, but I miss you so much. I am SO proud of you and you are currently one of my main topics of conversation with EVERYONE! You are always on our minds and we are supporting you in any way we can!

Which currently is with a 3rd Battalion walking challenge. We're all tracking our miles walked because the goal is "walk Parris Island". I'm 1,065 miles from Parris Island! That's a lot of walking!

I've decided today's picture will be a picture of your favorite people in the world..... Your family.

This way you can show your recruit family your crazy real world family.


So far the only letter I've received from him was written when he was in quarantine so the real fun hadn't started yet.

I don't know if I'm prepared to hear about the real fun.....
It's all fun and games until you find a toe on the bathroom floor.
Posted:Jun 24, 2021 3:20 pm
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 3:25 pm

I was already grossing out over the fact that I could smell someone taking a shit before I even opened the door the restroom.

Good God.... What has this woman been EATING!! Rotting meat and sour kraut???

I weighed the pros and cons of waiting and coming back later when the toxic fume cloud dissipated.

Pro - smell gone

Con - real possibility of pissing my pants

In the end, the cons won out as I was not keen on pissing my pants at work so I held by breath and in I went.

The stench literally took my breath away, turning my head to the side, I could feel myself starting to wretch a little when I happened to spy something on the floor by the trash can.

"Oh my God that's a freaking toe!"

Leaning down, I'd forgotten about the fact that I was about ready to pass out, and crouched forward to get a closer loo

Is it real?

Is that green nail polish on the toe??

I was about ready to it out from next the can when the door flew open and little came running in.

"I told you it would be in here! You never listen to me!"

"Why did you take it out of your pocket in the first place?"

"Because I wanted to scare that lady!! Geez!!"

Um, yep, it was fake.

Thank God!

"Now it's been on the floor in the bathroom! It stinks in here!! My toe smells like poop now!"

"You smell like poop!"

Without missing a beat, #1 snatched up the toe, stuffed it back into her pocket, and the of them ran back out of the bathroom as quickly as they came in.

It's not that often I'm left speechless.....

But this was definitely one of those moments.
Posted:Jun 24, 2021 3:55 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 12:41 am

It was a tough day.

My mother and father were officially laid to rest.

I've had a lot of moments over the course of my lifetime where I've felt a sense of finality....

But nothing quite measures to the overwhelming feeling that you succumb to when you see a casket being lowered into a grave.

Thankfully I was not alone, the Brother-In-Law was actually present as well for the lowering of the casket, he cried like a baby. In a strange way, it felt good to know someone out there was able to feel this much emotion for him.

I wanted to....

"He went eight years without yer ma."


"I don't know what it was about her, but he sure did love her."

More sobs

Truth be told, I kind of felt a little jealous and immediately felt guilty.... The likelihood of me ever finding someone who loved me that much is minimal.

It would be nice to know the feeling, though.

Happy Thursday!
Incentive to go back to work??
Posted:Jun 23, 2021 3:54 am
Last Updated:Jun 25, 2021 3:16 pm

Are you fucking KIDDING me?!?

How about we give the actual workers who are working and continue to work the $300 bonus for BEING EMPLOYED!

Imagine how many people would suddenly be looking for a job!

I'm so disgusted.....

It's a sad state of affairs when people are allowed to choose to remain on unemployment until they max out and can collect no more because they make more on unemployment than with an actual job.

Even better!

Let's give them a BONUS because they were forced to rejoin the workforce!

As someone who worked throughout the whole COVID nightmare trying to staff a store and maintain retention, this is just plain wrong.

When every single business EVERYWHERE is hiring, there should not be anyone on unemployment.


I need to stop watching the news, it only manages to piss me off.

Happy Wednesday!
It's a mask free world again!
Posted:Jun 22, 2021 2:12 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 12:42 am

The moment I've been waiting for is finally here....

Michigan has lifted the mask mandate.

Because I'm fully vaccinated, I was able to stop wearing my mask last week, but today marks the official day that everyone is able to go mask free if they choose to do so.

Not going to lie, I feel like I'm meeting my coworkers for the first time all over again.... Especially the new ones that I may not have ever seen without their masks.

In some cases, it's a little frightening.

"Hi [secret_lade], I'm sorry to hear about your dad."

I could hear one of the newer leaders talking to me from behind, so I turned to acknowledge his comment and thank him.

The look on my face when I saw him for the first time without his mask must have been priceless. I think I may have actually taken a step backwards to regain my composure.

"Thank you, it was a little unexpected, it's good to be back to work."

What's unexpected is the fact that you HAVE NO TEETH!

We had brought him on board during the midst of COVID so all of his interviews had been behind a masked face.

You just don't expect to see someone in their twenties be completely toothless and without dentures.

Especially someone in a leadership role!

The next couple of days are going to be pretty interesting as I begin to see people again without masks.....

Happy Tuesday!
The Car Ride of Doom
Posted:Jun 20, 2021 11:16 am
Last Updated:Jun 22, 2021 2:19 am

What do you get when you cross a winged insect, two teenage girls, and a moving vehicle?

You get chaos!

I was headed out the Ex Husband's house drop the Spawn and her friend off for Father's Day festivities when all of a sudden....

"Aaaaahhhhh!!! Moooooommmmm!!!"

"What?!? What in the hell are you guys screaming about??"

"'s a bug in your hair!!"

Now was my time scream and flail around.

"Aaaaahhhh!! Get out!! Get out!!"

I was trying keep the car on the road, find the bug in the rear view mirror, and remain calm but wasn't working.

"Oh my Gooooddddd!!! Moooooommmmm!! 's on my leg!!!"

Not going lie, I did feel a huge amount of relief that was no longer in my hair. Better on her than on me!

"Roll your window down, flick out the window."

The people in the car behind us must have thought we were crazy when they saw her foot sticking out the window.

But we managed release that monster back into the wild.

Happy Sunday!
You see that smoke?
Posted:Jun 19, 2021 4:28 am
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2021 3:52 am

Yah... That smoke coming from that bridge... Yes, indeed, it is a blazing inferno of fire.

This burned bridge scorched my eyebrows.

the day my dad died I had needed talk a familiar voice, a friend, someone who could help me process that had happened.

I tried calling the Hippie.

*Striking match here*

He did not have his phone on so I sent him a text instead.

"My dad died today."

I knew that, at some point, he would turn the phone back on again and get the text. What I didn't expect was that this would be the text I received in return.

"Dam. Terrible broken times. Nothing good to say about anything. If I could suicide out, I'd be gone too. But I guess I'm going out violent & hot. Love you. Thank you for everything .... Loved you more than I ever loved myself. Didn't even turn the phone on at all yesterday. No reason for anything anymore."

*Holding match to gasoline soaked kindling surrounding bridge*

Really?!? My dad dies and this is the message I get in return.... A ', that sucks' would have sufficed. I ended letting him have it, both barrels.

"[Hippie], my dad died yesterday. An officer came my job break the news. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. There are MUCH worse things in life than refusing to get a job and crying poor everybody is out get . Your life is what you make it. Want a better life? Do something about it."

*Poof! Bridge completely engulfed in flame*

"Fuck you"

Thank God he didn't send another diatribe of rambling suicidal ideation for attention.

"Fuck you too you miserable fuck."

"Don't ever call me again, text or stop by you fat bitch"

*Flaming timbers falling into the deep ravine below the blazing inferno, bridge collapsed*

This has been an emotional period of change for me. Not since my divorce have I experienced such upheaval and feelings of finality.

Today though, for the first time in a while, I feel like I'm ready for some fresh starts.

Happy Saturday!

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