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Ramblings of the depraved.....
Welcome to my blog!
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Mother - Spawn Bonding Moments
Posted:Nov 21, 2021 2:30 pm
Last Updated:Nov 24, 2021 1:15 am

"Let me do your eyelashes!" she says.

"I'll make them perfect!" she says.

"Trust me!"

Yah.... Never trust the word of a person says 'trust me'.

Here I sit, thirty minutes later, with my eyelids glued open and liquid eyeliner everywhere but on my eyelid.


Yep, they're dangling somewhere in between the crease of my eye and the lash line.

"Oh my God, Mom, I can't even at you!"

Peels of laughter coming from the kitchen, the Spawn is dancing her way past me go into the utility room.

"What's that?? Having a tough time eyeballing your own handiwork??"

I'm laughing now, too. I tried to blink...

The fake lash on my right eye is now connected to my eyebrow as well.

Happy Sunday!
Today's the day!
Posted:Nov 20, 2021 5:39 am
Last Updated:Nov 22, 2021 3:56 pm

Happy Birthday Mighty Marine!!

May 19 be your best year yet....

Y'all know it was the Spawn's birthday yesterday, she's such a hard girl to shop for! Somehow I managed to pull it all off, though, even getting a hand-clenched squeal of glee out of her on not one but TWO moments.

Moment One: Fake lashes and nude palette make up kit in birthday bag.

Moment Two: Ulta card in birthday card.

We'd gone out for her birthday meal of choice, Taco Bell, and had sit down to eat when the Mighty Marine called on Facetime to wish his sister a happy birthday.

There just really isn't anything quite like having a hard shell taco fall apart in your hands when you take the first bite while talking to someone on Facetime. Even better, watching it all happen in the moment on the tiny little window in the corner of the screen.


"Ma, you still got a tomato by your neck."

Not the most hilarious of comments, but I think we all laughed for a good ten minutes when he'd said this. I flicked it off only to have someone immediately walk past me and watch it land on their arm.

The Spawn whispered 'oh my God mom' into my ear and we laughed even harder.

I had been so worried about the Mighty Marine not being present in this years birthday festivities.... Yet there he was, witnessing it all.

Gone but not gone.

And now his birthday is today!

The Mighty Marine is a mighty 19!!

He will be Facetiming again, later today, so we can share a moment on his birthday as well. I think this time we'll pull out the party hats and noise makers....

Happy Birthday to my Mighty Marine!
How was my day?
Posted:Nov 18, 2021 4:11 pm
Last Updated:Dec 6, 2021 1:52 am

Well, let me tell you!

I was two hours and three minutes into my shift today when one of the leaders turned to me, in the 9 o'clock meeting, to tell me my shirt was inside out.

Yah, that felt awesome.

You know what the worst part of this whole scenario was?

I was wearing a button down shirt.


How I managed to pull that off without noticing a thing is a complete fucking mystery to me.

Apparently I was Houdini in a former life...

I know that my mind has been preoccupied all this week, with the Spawn's birthday tomorrow and my Mighty Marine's birthday on Saturday.... But, really?!?


I can't wait to see what fresh horror I walk myself into tomorrow.

Wish me luck!

Happy Thursday!
And what to my wandering eyes did appear?
Posted:Nov 17, 2021 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2021 9:16 pm

A skunk and a deer, trotting side by side down the road, on my way work this morning.

Just when I thought I'd seen all....

I discover, I not!

I'd never actually seen a skunk running before this morning, was a sight see. Are they always that awkward and clumsy looking trudging along down the road?

And, what's up with that deer?!?

I could smell that skunk from inside my car cruising past them doing 45 mph.

I be honest.... I still find this country life pretty amazing.

the reader told me to watch out for skunks....

You were right! They are out here!

Happy Wednesday!
Let's play a little game!
Posted:Nov 15, 2021 11:59 pm
Last Updated:Nov 19, 2021 2:15 am

We'll call it....

Is this comment 'Work Appropriate'?

We're doing a little holiday raffle at the store. Employees fill out a card with their name, department, and favorite Thanksgiving tradition / food / activity to give to me for entry.

Easy peasy.... Right???

As I was posting the flyers, I was also letting the employees know as I passed them throughout the store.

People get excited when you're excited, even if it's for something simple like a Thanksgiving Raffle where you might win a turkey or pumpkin pie.

Leave it to the Brand New Guy who was in my orientation last week to make it awkward and uncomfortable.

"Whatcha posting?"

"We're doing a Thanksgiving Raffle! To enter, you just turn in your name, department, and favorite Thanksgiving holiday tradition, food, or activity for a raffle ticket!"

"What if my favorite Thanksgiving activity is sex? Can I turn that in?"


By now he was standing right next to me reading off the posting in my hand. I think I've found this week's 'Douche Bag of the Week'....

"No, no you may not."

I'd turned on my heel and was making my quick escape when he called out behind me...

"But that's my favorite Thanksgiving Day activity."

"Not if you want to keep working here if your name is drawn and [Boss #2] reads your entry aloud."

Yah, I walked away from that conversation feeling sketched out and sexually harassed. Not going to lie, definitely don't like the Brand New Guy now.

Who does something like that on their third day of employment??

This week's Douche Bag of the Week, that's who!


Happy Tuesday!
You know it's been a rough weekend when....
Posted:Nov 14, 2021 7:28 am
Last Updated:Nov 15, 2021 11:22 pm

The sight of your Sunday morning face startles you when you look in the mirror.

Holy shit!

I'd been feeling half-assed sick since I got my COVID booster and Flu shot last Monday, add that sleepless nights and depression, and you get sick...

Very sick!

I was on my way home from work on Friday and I could think of was getting home, crawling into bed, and falling asleep.

Which is exactly what I did.

I didn't wake until sometime around Midnight when the furnace had kicked off and the heat ducts under the house started crashing and banging around like there was a caged animal under there.

I've gotten used this sound, it's become part of the norm for me.

Furnace kicks off, bangs from the duct work, and is well until the next time it kicks in.

The Tilly Cat had been napping my feet at the end of the bed when she heard stir. Springing life, she did her usual half-meow and sauntered my head and licked my forehead a little.

I wound sleeping off and most of the day Saturday, as well.

So today when I was finally feeling like a normal human being again, I decided to get , make some coffee, and have a normal day.

That first sight of me though....

It was the stuff of nightmares I tell you.

Greasy hair standing end, shirt gross and oddly discolored where I'd probably sweated at some point while I was sleeping, sweatpants twisted around....

I had look away and shield my eyes from the sight of myself it was so bad.

" My God!"

It's moments like those when I'm thankful I live alone!

Happy Sunday!
Just when you think it's ok....
Posted:Nov 12, 2021 1:41 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 3:09 pm

It's not.

Yesterday was an emotional day for me.

The Mighty Marine is an active service member, so he is not a veteran yet, but so many people approached me at work yesterday to extend their thanks to him and asked me to pass along their well wishes......

I felt so much pride in him.

There were a couple of times when I felt myself starting to get emotional, but I held it in and kept it cool.

Until I got home, that is.

I spied the Bunny hopping out from behind my shed to say 'Hi' and I lost it.

The rain had started coming down hard and so did the tears. I cried in my car for at least a good five minutes before heading into the house....

I didn't want the Spawn to know I'd cried.

Tilly Cat was at the door waiting, rubbing against my ankles as I hung up my coat, and I couldn't help thinking about how she had waited for days for the Mighty Marine to come home when he had left.

Again I started to cry.

"[Mighty Marine] said not to cry."

"Aaah! You scared me! Why are you texting your brother about this? I just got home."

My phone dinged at this point, it was a message from the Mighty Marine. He said....

Don't worry Ma, I'll call you tomorrow.

It warms my heart to know, even when he's hundreds of miles away, we're all still this close.

I do miss that so much.... And even though most days are good days now, I still miss my little Traveling Trio.

Middle , Spawn, Me

I can't imagine what I'm going to be like next week on his birthday.... It will be the first birthday in 19 years that I didn't get to spend with him.

Wish me luck!
And the winner of the Douche Bag of the Week Award goes to....
Posted:Nov 11, 2021 2:59 am
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 8:35 am

Jerry Wingo!

Congratulations, Jerry, for passing me in your giant black truck on Alba Highway doing about 80 mph with your name, business, and phone number plastered all over that thing!!

Oh.... Wait.... What's that??? You have to turn now, a quarter of a mile down the road from where you passed me at???

Even better!

Your reckless passing inadvertently threw a stone up behind you, hitting my windshield, knocking out a huge hunk of the glass.


You've accomplished a nearly impossible feat, you careless fucktard....

I now have a name and phone number to turn in for my insurance claim.

Posted:Nov 10, 2021 12:29 am
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2021 2:22 am

Right or wrong, we make them every day.

Every day... We live with the consequences as well.

I talked to the Hippie on the phone on Friday, probably a bad choice on my part. He had texted me and told me the Mighty Marine and I had inspired him to make some positive change in his life.

I was curious.

Turns out the positive change was giving up marijuana.

Not because he wanted to.... But because he was penniless and could not afford it. He went on to tell me about how he had spent nearly all of his money for years on marijuana and he now regretted it.

I kept it to myself, but this pissed me right the fuck off.


And, in that time that we were seeing each other, and he was always broke, and I was always paying for everything.... It was because he spent his money on drugs.

The worst part was, he was perfectly OK with expecting a struggling single mom to pay his way through everything.

I listened as he went on to tell me that his family has completely abandoned him and he has gone into survival mode, living on one canned good a day and collecting firewood in the woods around him because his dad did not have any firewood sent out to his house this year.

"You might be taking care of me and [the Spawn] this winter. Everyone has abandoned me."

Did he really think he was going to slip that in there?? And that I would say yes?!?

"Nope, just [the Spawn]."

"What was that?"

"I said just [the Spawn]. You're a grown man, it's time to act like it."

There was a long silence as he realized I wasn't about to just take him in and fix his problem.

I went on to ask him if he's been looking for a job and where he has applied.

He's applied nowhere.

The same old story about how he owes money for student loans and old credit card bills and now the government for collecting unemployment when he shouldn't have been started coming out..... I'd heard it all before.

"Stop. You've got to quit doing this. This is NEVER going away so you might as well get a job and deal with the garnishments."

Another long silence.

This man chose to burn all those bridges with his family. He kicked his father out of his home and threatened to end his life, what did he expect?

It kind of takes away that feeling of obligation to support your loser .

This man has probably been spending thousands of dollars year after year on wood deliveries for the Hippie because he knew the Hippie wouldn't be doing it for himself.

He was correct.

This year is proof in point.

Winter is upon us and he is completely unprepared.

There was a time when I though the Hippie had promise and hope, that he would turn things around and get back on track.

It took me a while to realize, this was never going to happen.

Even now, as he's hovering around rock bottom, he's still trying to find that next meal ticket instead of getting his shit together.

I felt some closure when I ended that call.

I will probably not know how he fares this winter or if he ever finds a job, my communication with the Hippie has reached an end. I do hope he will finally open his eyes and get his life on track.

He is the only person that can do that for him.
Ever wonder why they call it a cough drop?
Posted:Nov 8, 2021 4:39 pm
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2021 2:43 am

My sinuses have been bothering me for the past couple of days so I took a Mucinex this morning before work.

Nothing like a little sinus drainage set the mood for the day....

Between the throat clearing and the subtle cough I'm certain I was the most annoying person alive.

I'd popped a cough drop in my mouth and was headed out of my office speak with an applicant when one of my coworkers had called my from behind.

"What's up? I'm headed up front meet with applicant."

Turning see was speaking with me, I felt the tickle in the back of my throat and knew I was about cough.

Raising my arm, I coughed into my bent elbow and felt the cough drop ricochet out of my elbow pit and onto my shoulder.


I might as well been that deer licking 's eye the way my coworker was staring at me and my cough drop.

Plucking the cough drop off my shoulder, popping back into my mouth, I left my coworker staring as I turned on my heel and headed out the door.

's all fun and games until the cough drop becomes a projectile object.

Happy Monday!
On Today's Episode of.... Wild Kingdom
Posted:Nov 7, 2021 3:55 pm
Last Updated:Nov 14, 2021 7:30 am



Secret_lade is in the kitchen making dinner while the Spawn is freaking out in her bedroom.


"'s a deer staring at me through my window!"

Screaming like she'd seen a ghost, the Spawn hops out of her bed, dropping her phone, and runs into the kitchen.

"Really?? It can't be that terrifying."

Turning the heat down on the stove, Secret_lade heads into the Spawn's bedroom and spies Peeping Tom Deer. Off in the background, making their way across the field, are the ruffian turkeys....

"What are you screaming about? It's eating grass in the ditch. It's not like it's wearing a hockey mask waving around a running chainsaw. I'm more worried about those hooligan turkeys headed across that field than I am this deer."

"I saw it lick it's eye. It's EYE! It can't be trusted."

AS if on queue.... Out came the tongue and in the nose it went.

Not going to lie, I still feel amazed, every single day, that I was able to find this place out here in the country. I never thought I would enjoy living in the country so much...

But I do.

I was lucky enough catch the sunrise this morning so I ventured out and snapped some pics.

This one's my fave, I think....

You can still see the foggy mist hovering above the field across the street, not yet burned off by the rising sun.

Happy Sunday!

An evening with the Spawn
Posted:Nov 6, 2021 3:40 am
Last Updated:Nov 8, 2021 2:13 am

We were headed home from the grocery store last night when the mailman passed us along the way.

"Is that the mailman? It's like 6 O'clock."

Rolling her eyes in the seat next to me, the Spawn dramatically tossed her head back and exhaled with frustration.

"We can all see, Mom, you don't need to point out every single observation."

"If I were pointing out every single observation, then I would have pointed out that black thing you've got stuck between your teeth when we were at the grocery store."


Flipping down the sun visor with her teeth bared, she pushed her face next to the mirror and scrutinized.

I lied.

I burst out laughing when she poked my arm and said...


By now she was laughing too.

Grabbing the mail out of the mailbox as I pulled into the driveway, I started sifting through it before getting out of the car.

"Oh My God! My voter registration card is here!"

Yah, I'm that nerdy girl who gets excited about that stuff. I immediately grabbed my purse and tucked it away in the important documents zippered lining pocket.

"Really Mom?!? You're like a 1970's ....."

"At least I don't have a black thing stuck between my teeth."

Guess who had the sun visor down inspecting her bared teeth once again......

Happy Saturday!
How was my day?
Posted:Nov 4, 2021 4:32 pm
Last Updated:Nov 21, 2021 2:42 pm

Allow me share!

started with me falling flat on my ass in the parking lot at work this morning.

That was amazing!

I was doing every last thing you should NOT be doing in an icy parking lot. Walking fast, not paying attention, eyes glued a cell phone.... would been a miracle if I had not fallen.

Of course this happened right in front of an employee.

"Are you ok???"

I tried pretend I didn't hear her, or see the horror splayed across her face, as I clumsily managed maneuver onto my hands and knees and figure out how I was going to get back on my feet.

was no way I was going be able do this without help.

"I think I need your help. It's really fucking icy."

Not going lie, the bad knee is weak and makes a challenge for me when this kind of stuff happens.

Nothing like leaving your humility in your icy parking lot ass print.....

I made it back my office and had taken off my coat and boots when Nose Hairs appeared in my door.

"You ok?"

Oh good lord.... He already knew about the fall. was his employee had helped me and she had immediately gone and told him.

"I'm so embarrassed. Did she tell you I fell?"

"Yah, she said I should go on you. You were on the phone when I walked through, you must been telling [leadership]."

"I was. I'm fine, just really embarrassed. About the thing injured in the fall was my pride."

We talked for a few minutes and he seemed truly concerned.

was during this conversation that I realized.... I think I'm developing feelings for this guy, nose hairs and all.


That can end horribly.

I'll save that headache for another day.

To link to this blog (secret_lade) use [blog secret_lade] in your messages.

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