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My Magazine > Editors Archive > Advice > Approaching a Dominant Woman
Approaching a Dominant Woman   by M. Christian

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A Writer, editor, and sex educator and lecturer on everything from advanced sex practices to writing great filthy stories, M. Christian visits bi-weekly to offer some down-to-earth advice on all touchy (or feely) issues. In addition to having edited over 20 erotic anthologies, including the Best S/M Erotica series, M. Christian is the author of at least 200 published short stories in books like Best American Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Bondage Erotica (and hoards of other bests). In his bi-weekly advice column, M Christian answers questions from and its sister sites, so can eavesdrop on the other worlds. If you want to toss a question into the ring for M. Christian to address, or if you'd like to offer feedback, email him at his handle (you'll never guess): MChristian.


Im thinking of approaching a dominant woman here on alt for doing a scene. She has it in her add that she does scenes (doesn't specify what) and I need advice on the best way to approach her. What are the do’s and don’t’s. What can I expect to happen? There is no mention of "generous" in the add, so is there? I have never done this before and just want to get going here on the right foot. I don’t want to come across as a flake or troll. Thanks.


A: Ah, newb, greetings from the wonderful and very often nerve-wracking world of S/M negotiation. Should I command a slave to submit to me? Can I grovel at the feet of a potential master or mistress? Would poetry be a good idea? Or what about a photo of me all bound and gagged and ready for... whatever?

I get the impression that you’re putting a lot of hope into this one possible play partner, which is natural when you’re just starting out, but keep in mind that you have a long road ahead of you with hopefully a lot of playmates (and fun!) in the future. So don’t just hit up one person at a time, instead reach out to all kinds of possible fun people ‒ that’s what’s so great about email. Put yourself out there. If this one doesn’t work out there are plenty more dommes in the sea (so to speak).

The real key to hooking up is respect. Respect her, sure, but also respect yourself as a person ‒ and that’s how you should approach anyone for play: as a person, not just as a sub. Sure, you may want to mention any preferences or fantasies, but don’t write as a boy-toy. That’s a sure sign of an inexperienced newb.

As for the rest of it, the possibility of connecting, well it’s all a matter of taste. Each Master or Mistress, slave or submissive, has their own favorite way of being approached. Some prefer to see their submissives play, either in public at a party or by watching them with another dominant ‒ that way they can get an idea of what they like or are capable of. Likewise, a couple of slaves in my acquaintance prefer to chat with the playmates of possible Mistresses, interview them for what their top is like ‒ how he or she handles a whip, ropes, safety issues, and fun stuff like that.

But if you’re out there in cyberspace and want to hook up with a potential “SIR!” or “Yes, Ma’am!” write or chat them up like you would anyone. Be polite (not groveling), flattering (not sycophantic), hopeful (but not pushy). If you’ve played before, say so, and if you’ve used a pro domme, say so. There’s no shame in that ‒ if anything it shows that you’re experienced. If she’s a professional then she should tell you if it gets that far ‒ or when you negotiate a fee when you meet in person. There’s no guarantee she’ll write back, and if she doesn’t then that’s it, you move onto someone else and chalk it up to experience. That’s again what’s so great about email: you can get yourself out there to lots of possible fun friends and playmates.

One very important thing to remember: Roles are roles but outside of the bedroom or the playroom everyone should be the same. You’re auditioning her just as much as she’s auditioning you. Playing submissive can be lots of fun, but she shouldn’t treat you like a lesser being outside of the scene. Like everything else in this world, people on both sides of the S/M coin should be treated with respect ‒ you as well as this potential Mistress.


No Other Man

I am new into swinging and have never had sex with anyone other than my husband. We have not started swinging yet but I don't know what to expect out of other men or couples. What do I need to know before I put myself in someone else's bed?


A: Welcome to the wild, full-of-surprises ride of open relationships, non-monogamy, swinging -- whatever you want to call it -- having sex with other people as well as your partner can be a lot of fun, if you take care of yourself and play smart and safe.

My advice ‒ and I do speak from experience ‒ is to take it slow and very easy. Don’t just leap into hot monkey sex with someone. When my lady and I first opened our relationship, we chatted about it endlessly: why we were doing it (to have fun, we hoped), how I felt about it (okay), how she felt about it (okay), what I didn’t want to have happen (she run off with someone), what she didn’t want to have happen (I run off with someone), then we began to go out to erotic events–porno theatres, sex shops, hang out with people who were into kinky things like swinging or writing erotica (ahem). Then, when we found a few people we liked and trusted, we did activities like hot tubbing with them, sharing fantasies, doing massages. Notice we did all these sensual but non-committal things with other couples before we committed ourselves to actual play. Even then we didn’t swap, just made love with another couple in the room. Then, and only then, did we think about going further.

And once we did the deed, we were careful to set strict rules about what was to happen next. No one plays without the others’ knowledge or permission, ALWAYS practice safe sex, and take great care to nurture and cherish each other. It works for me and my lady ‒ not that there aren’t many rough spots because, believe me, there are ‒ but we tried to approach this as something fun. When it ever threatens not to be, when either of us is feeling out of control or might want to stop, we put the swinging aside and remind ourselves of why we’re together.

Never forget that opening a relationship is a big deal. Are you ready for it? A lot of good things can happen when you do but there’s also the potential for some serious ickyness as well. You think you might be prepared for having sex with other people, you think you might be prepared for seeing your husband with other people, but you really don’t know what’s going to happen until you actually get there.

The big thing is to keep it safe and comfortable. You have to like and most of all TRUST the people you play with, and you have to like and trust your husband through all of this. If you have that, and if you take each baby step slow and cautious, there’s a good chance you’ll be doing this ‒ and much more ‒ for a long time.